Susan Clegg and a Man in the House Page 12

  CHAPTER XII

  THE TRIALS OF MRS. MACY

  As Susan set the basket down it began to squawk.

  "I don't care," she said, "let it squawk!"

  "But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, in whose kitchen Susan had set thebasket down and in whose kitchen chair Susan was now sitting herselfdown.

  "Let it squawk," Susan repeated; "I guess it's made trouble enough forothers so that I may in all confidence feel to set a little whilewithout troublin' about it myself. I look upon it that I was very kindto take it anyhow, not havin' no idea how it'll agree with the chickenswhen it comes to eatin' with them or with me when it comes to me eatin'it, for you know as I never was one as cared for 'em, Mrs. Lathrop, butstill a friend is a friend, an' in Mrs. Macy's state to-night the leasther friends could do was for Gran'ma Mullins to stay with her an' for meto take the duck. Gran'ma Mullins was willing to sit up with aunder-the-weather neighbor, but she said she could _not_ take a duck onher mind too, an' a spoiled duck at that, for I will in confidenceremark, Mrs. Lathrop, as you only need to be in the room with that ducktwo minutes to see as the Prodigal Son was fully an' freely whipped incomparison to the way as he's been dealt with."

  "I really--" protested Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, I don't know but it _will_ be savin' of breath in the end," saidMiss Clegg, and thereupon she arose, laid hold of the squawking basket,bore it into the next room, and coming out, shut the connecting doorfirmly behind her.

  "Where under the--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "It's really quite a long story," returned her friend; "but I come injust to tell you, anyhow. It's Mrs. Macy's story an' it begun when shewent in town yesterday mornin', an' it's a story of her trials, an' Iwill say this for Mrs. Macy, as more trials right along one afteranother I never hear of an' to see her sittin' there now in her carpetslippers with a capsicum plaster to her back an' Gran'ma Mullins makin'her tea every minute she ain't makin' her toast is enough to make anyone as is as soft an' tender-hearted as I am take any duck whether it'sspoiled or not. An' so I took this duck."

  "Well, I--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.

  "You think not now," said Susan, "but you soon will when I tell you, foras I said before, I come over just to tell you, an' I'm goin' to beginright off. It's a long story an' one as 'll take time to tell, but youknow me an' you know as I always take time to tell you everythin' so youcan rely on gettin' the whole hide an' hair of this; an' you'll get itfresh from the spout too, for I'm just fresh from Mrs. Macy an' Mrs.Macy's so fresh from her trials that they was still holdin' the plasteron to her when I left."

  "But--" expostulated the listener.

  "Well, now this is how it was," said Miss Clegg; "an' I'll begin 'wayback in the beginnin' so you 'll have it all straight, for it's veryneedful to have it straight so as to understand just why she is so nighto half mad. For Mrs. Macy is n't one as gets mad easy, an' so it's wellfor us as has got to live in the same town with her to well an' clearlylearn just how much it takes to use her up.

  "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as yesterday mornin' Mrs. Macy set out to go totown to buy her some shoes. Seems as she was goin' to take lunch withBusby Bell's cousin Luther Stott's wife as she met at the Lupeys' inMeadville, 'cause they only live three-quarters of an hour from town ontwo changes of the electric, an' Mrs. Stott told Mrs. Lupey as any timeshe or her relations got tired of shoppin' she'd be nothin' but happyto have 'em drop in on her to rest 'cause she kept a girl an' herhusband's sister, too, so company was n't no work for her herself. Well,Mrs. Macy was goin' to the city an' so she looked up the address an'made up her mind to go there to lunch, an' so she wrote the address onone side of the piece of paper as she had in her black bag an' she wroteher shoes on the other side, for she says they're a new kind of shoes asis warranted not to pinch you in the back, by every magazine an'newspaper--an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on bein' pinched; why, shesays she give up belts an' took to carpet slippers just for the veryreason as she could _not_ stand bein' pinched nowhere.

  "Well, seems as the shoes was Kulosis shoes an' Mrs. Macy says how anyone could remember 'em off of paper _she_ can't see anyhow, an' LutherStott's wife lives 2164 Eleventh Avenue S.W., an' that was veryimportant too, for there's seven other Eleventh Avenues in the citybesides eight Eleventh Streets; seems as the new part of the city islaid out that way so as to make it simple to them as knows where theylive anyhow.

  "Well, Mrs. Macy says she put on her bonnet as happy as any one looks tobe afore they know they're goin' to be the first to have a new inventiontried on 'em an' then she locked up her house an' set off. She says shenever was great on new inventions for she's lived under a lightnin' rodfor pretty near forty years an' never come anywhere nigh to be struckonce yet, but she says she has now learned to her sorrow as bein' fooledby a lightnin' rod man forty years ago ain't nothin' to bein' fooled bya minister for forty years ahead, for she says she'll lose her guess ifthis last foolin' don't last forty years or even longer if she livesthat long, an' make her wear her felt slippers all the forty years too.

  "Well, she says of course you might know as it would be the minister asdone her up first on this day of misery, an' it _was_ the minister! Shesays after that donation party to fix him out with new shirts last weekshe surely looked to be spared any further inflictions from him for onewhile; she says the idea as the congregation is expected to shirt theminister was surely most new to her, an' she was dead set against it atfirst, but she says she come to the fore an' was one to help make himthe six when she see as it was expected to be her duty as a Christian,but she says she surely hoped when she hemmed the tail of the last oneas she'd seen the last of him for a good breathin' spell.

  "But no, Mrs. Lathrop, seems it was n't to be, an' so she learned to herkeen an' pinchin' sorrow yesterday mornin', for she was n't more 'nfairly on her way to town when she run square up to him on the bridgean' as a result was just in time to be the first for him to try his newmemory system on, an' she told Gran'ma Mullins an' me with tears in hereyes an' her felt slippers solemnly crossed on top of each other, asshe can not see why it had to be her of all people an' her shoes of allthings, for she says--an' I certainly felt to agree, Mrs. Lathrop--as ifthere's anythin' on the wide earth as you _don't_ want to apply a memorysystem to it's your shoes, for shoes is somethin' as is happiest forgot.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, seems as this new memory system of the minister'sis a thing as he got out of a Sunday School magazine in reward forworkin' out a puzzle. Seems you guess big cities till their capitalletters spell 'Memory,' an' then you send the answers to the magazinean' a dollar for postage an' packin' an' then they send you the memorysystem complete in one book for nothin' a _tall_. Or you can add in atwo-cent stamp an' not guess nothin', but the minister guessed 'cause hefelt as in his circumstances he had n't ought to waste even two cents!Seems as they had a most awful time afore they found Ypsilanti for the'Y,' an' for a while they was most afraid they'd have to be recklesswith two cents, but they got it in the end an' sent 'em all off, an' thebook come back with a injunction forbiddin' it to be lent to no onestamped on every page. Seems it come back day before yesterday an' theminister sat up most of the night commemoratin' the theory, an' thenMrs. Macy says he just got it into him in time for Fate to let him goan' be flung at her right on the bridge! She says she was n't no moremistrustin' trouble than any one does when they meet a loose ministerout walkin' an' she says she can't well see how any woman meetin' a manacross a bridge can be blamed for not knowin' as he's just grasped a newprinciple an' is dyin' to apply it to the first thing handy.

  "She says he asked her where she was goin' an' she told him frank an'open as she was goin' to the city to buy some shoes as was warranted notto pinch. She says he asked her what kind of shoes they was an' sheopened her little bag an' got out the paper an' read him as they wasKulosis shoes. He asked her why she had it wrote down an' she told himas she had it wrote down so as not to forget the kind an' maybe getpinched again.

  "Well, she says she was standin' sideways an' was n'
t watchin'particular, so she was n't in no state to suspect nothin' when he toldher as she could easy throw that piece of paper away an' go to townwithout it. She says she told him as she knowed that she could easythrow the piece of paper away an' go to town without it, but how was sheto remember her shoes which was the reason why she was takin' the pieceof paper along with her? Then she says as he said as he'd show her howto remember her shoes an' welcome an' she says as she thought as long asit was welcome she might as well stand still, so she did.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can believe me or not just as you please, butthe first thing he did was to ask her what Kulosis reminded her of,which struck her as most strange in the start out. But she told him asit did n't remind her of nothin' but shoes an' let it go at that, an'she says it was plain as then he had to think of somethin' as it _could_remind somebody of, an' she says he certainly did have to think a longwhile an' when he said finally as it reminded _him_ of four noses.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says she never heard the beat of that inall her born days, an' her mind went back to her childhood days an' auncle she had, an' the Lord 'll surely forgive her for thinkin' as he'dsurely been drinkin'; she says she was so took aback that he see it inher face an' told her right then an' there as it was a memory system.Seems as the key to the whole is as you must reduce everythin' to MotherGoose so as not to need the brains as you've growed since, an' theminister told Mrs. Macy as she'd find it most simple to apply. He wenton to ask her what did four noses remind her of, an' she says shethought she see the whole game at that an' told him as quick as scatthat they reminded her of Kulosis, but oh, my, seems that ain't the wayit goes a _tall_, an' he begin an' explained it all over again, an'where he come out in the end was as four noses would just naturallyremind any one as had more brains'n Mrs. Macy of 'Two legs sat uponthree legs.' You know the rhyme in Mother Goose where the dog is fourlegs an' gets the mutton as is one leg in the man's lap?

  "'Mrs. Macy was just about plum paralyzed at _that_.'"_Page_ 179.]

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe understand as Mrs. Macy was justabout plum paralyzed at _that_! Her story is as she just stood afore himwith her mouth open like a Jack-o'-lantern's, wonderin' what under thesun she was goin' to be asked to remember next, an' when he said thatwas all, an' for her just to simply tear up the paper, she forgot allabout Luther Stott's wife on the back an' tore up the paper. He said forher to go right along to town fully an' freely relyin' on 'Two legs satupon three legs' to get her her shoes, an' she says what with bein' sodumbfoundered, an' what with him bein' the minister into the bargain,she went along to the station thinkin' as maybe she'd be able to do it.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could hear Mrs. Macy for that ain'tnothin' but the beginnin', whatever you may think, an' the rest getsawfuller an' awfuller!

  "In the first place talkin' so long for the minister made her have torun for the train, an' _you_ know what Mrs. Macy is on a run. She saidshe got so hot, as she was not only on a run but mostly on a pour allthe way to town. Why, she says it was most terrible an' she says nothin'ever give her such a idea as she was a born fool afore, for with it allshe had to keep on sayin' 'Two legs sat upon three legs' as regular as aclock, an' she was so afraid she'd forget it that she did n't dare eventake her usual little nap on the way an' so had no choice but to landall wore out.

  "Well, as soon as she was landed she remembered about Luther Stott'swife bein' on the back of the piece of paper an' consequently tore upalong with her shoes, an' she says the start she got over rememberin'havin' torn up Luther Stott's wife drove what 'Two legs sat upon threelegs' was to remind her of clean out of her head, not to speak of havin'long since lost track of the way to get any connection between that an'her shoes.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I only wish you'd of been there to hear! She saysnobody ever did afore! She says she went up one street an' down anotherlike a lost soul, lookin' for a policeman. She says she felt she did n'tknow where to find nothin'. She could n't look for Luther in thedirectory 'cause he's long dead an' only his wife lives there, an' asfor her shoes she was clean beside herself. She says she was so mad atthe minister as she'd have throwed away her baptism an' her marriagethen an' there just because it was ministers as done 'em both to her,if there'd been anyway to get 'em off. Finally she just put her prideinto her pocket, went into a shoe store an' asked 'em openly if 'Twolegs sat upon three legs' reminded 'em of anythin' in the way of shoes.She says the man looked at her in a way as passed all belief an' said itreminded him more of pants than shoes.

  "Well, she says she went out into the street at that an' her heart wastoo low for any use; but the end was n't yet, for as she was wanderin'along who should she meet but Drusilla Cobb?

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know Drusilla Cobb! You know what she was aforeshe left here, an' Mrs. Macy says ten years ain't altered her a _tall_.Whenever Drusilla was glad to see any one she always had a reason, an'Mrs. Macy says it speaks loud for how clean used up she was over hershoes that she never remembered that way of Drusilla's. Drusilla neversaw no one on the street unless she had a reason, an' if she had areason it was Heaven help them as Drusilla saw on the street.

  "So now she saw Mrs. Macy an' asked her right home to lunch with her,an' Mrs. Macy very gladly went. She says no words can tell how livelyan' pleasant Drusilla was, an' she felt to be glad she met her all theway home. She says Drusilla has a very nice home an' a thin husband an'three very thin boys. She says Drusilla is the only fat one in thefamily."

  Susan paused and drew a long breath.

  Mrs. Lathrop adjusted herself in a new position.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, now's where the duck comes in. The duck wasDrusilla's reason, an' Mrs. Macy's next trial. Mrs. Macy says if any onehad told her as she was to go to town for shoes an' bring back a duck,or be did in one day first by the minister an' next by Drusilla Cobb,she'd take her Bible oath as whoever said it was lyin', but so it was."

  "Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes," said Miss Clegg, "it's the same one. An' this is its why as toldby Mrs. Macy to Gran'ma Mullins an' me." She paused and drew a stilllonger breath. "Seems, Mrs. Lathrop, as Drusilla's husband had got afriend as goes huntin' with a doctor. Seems he found four littlered-headed things in a nest of reeds an' took one an' asked the doctorwhat it was. Seems the doctor said as he thought as it was agolden-headed oriole but the friend thought as it was a mud hen. So hegive it to Drusilla's youngest boy to raise in a flat for his birthday.Well, Mrs. Macy says bein' raised in a flat was surely most new to theanimal as very soon turned out to be a duck. Seems it snapped at all theblack spots in the carpets for bugs an' when they put it in the bath-tubto swim it would n't swim but just kept diving for the hole in thebottom. Seems they had a most lively time with it an' it run after 'emeverywhere an' snapped at their shoe-buttons an' squawked nights, an'when Drusilla see Mrs. Macy she thought right off as she could give herthe duck to take home with her 'cause she lived in the country. So thatwas how Mrs. Macy come to be asked to take dinner at Drusilla's sodreadful pleasant.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, Mrs. Macy says as she no more mistrusted whattravelin' with a duck is than anythin', so although she could n't say asshe really relishes any duck afore he's cooked, she thought as it couldswim in the crick, an' maybe grow to be a comfort, so she let them putit in a basket, an' give her a envelope of dead flies for it to lunchon, an' she set off for home. She had to wait a long time for a car an'the duck was so restless it eat eight flies an' bit her twice waitin',but finally the car come along an' she an' the duck got on. Well, Mrs.Lathrop, she says you never hear nothin' like that duck when it feltitself on a electric car! The conductor heard it an' come runnin' an'stopped the car an' put 'em both off afore she realized as she wasgettin' off for her duck instead of her depot.

  "So there was Mrs. Macy stranded high an' dry in a strange part of thecity alone with a duck out of the goodness of her heart. You can maybebelieve as she was very far from feelin' friendly to Drusilla Cobb whenshe realized as she couldn't take n
o car with no duck an' didn't knowDrusilla's number to take her back her duck, neither. Mrs. Macy says asshe felt herself slowly growin' mad an' she went into a store near byan' asked 'em if they had a telephone. They said they had, an' she saysshe never will know what possessed her but she just looked thattelephone square in the eye an' told it to get her the president of thecar company without a second's delay. She says it was astonishin' howquick it got her somebody an' as soon as they'd each said 'Hello' politeenough, she just up an' asked him to please tell her the differencebetween a duck an' a canary-bird. Well, she says he did n't say nothin'for a minute an' then he said 'Wh-a-t?' in a most feeble manner, an'she asked him it right over again. Then she said he was more nervous an'made very queer noises an' finally asked her what in Noah's ark shewanted to know for. She says she could n't but think that very ill-bred,considerin' her age, but she was in a situation where she had tooverlook anythin', so she told him as she knowed an' he knowed, too, asany one could take a canary-bird an' travel anywhere an' never know whatit was to be put off for nothin'. She said he shook the wire a littlemore an' then asked her if she was meanin' to lead him to infer that shehad been injected from a car with a duck. She says his tone was sodisrespectful that she felt her own beginnin' to rise an' she told himso far from bein' injected she'd been put out an' off a car an' she hadthe duck right with her to prove it. He told her as he would advise herto try to do the duck up in a derby hat an' smuggle him through thatway, an' then without a word more he hung up.

  "Well, Mrs. Macy says she just about never was so mad afore. She sayswhen she turned around all the men in the store was laughin' an' thatmade her madder yet, but there was one on 'em as said he felt for her'cause he owned a pair of ducks himself, an' he went in the back of thestore an' found a old hat-box as was pretty large an' he went to workan' took the duck out of the basket an' put him into the box an' giveMrs. Macy 'em both to carry an' put her on another car an' she set offagain.

  "Well, that time she got to the depot all safe, an' if there was n't oldDr. Carter from Meadville an' it goes without sayin' as old Dr. Carterfrom Meadville could drive any duck clean out of Mrs. Macy's head, soshe an' he set out to be real happy to the Junction, an' the first thinghe asked her was if she'd been buyin' a new bonnet in town an' shelaughed an' give the box a little heave an' the bottom come out an' theduck flew down the car.

  "'The bottom come out an' the duck flew down the car.'"_Page_ 188.]

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you can maybe guess as that was most tryin' both toMrs. Macy an' Dr. Carter as well, as is both fat an' was both wedged inone seat expectin' to enjoy all they could of each other to theJunction. Dr. Carter was obliged to unwedge himself an' catchin' theduck was a most awful business an' Dr. Carter had to get off just aboutas soon as it was done. Well, Mrs. Macy says helpin' to catch your duckseems to make every one feel as free as air, an' a man come right offan' sat with her right off an' asked her right off whether it was a duckor a drake. Why, she says she never did--not in all her life--an' hetold her she could easy tell by catchin' a spider an' givin' it to theduck an' if he took it it was a drake an' if she took it it was a duck.He asked her if it was n't so an' she said she could n't deny it, an'then he went back to his own seat an' she rode the rest of the waytryin' to figure on where the hitch was in what he said, for she says asshe certainly feels there's a hitch an' yet you can't deny that it'sall straight about the spider an' the he and the she.

  "Well, so she got home an' went right up to her house, put the duck inthe rat trap, an' went over to ask the minister about her shoes, an'what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think! The minister hadclean forgot himself! He was sittin' there on his piazza advisin' Mrs.Brown to make her pound-cake by sayin' 'One, two, three, Mother caught aflea,' the flea bein' the butter, an' Mrs. Macy says it was plain to beseen as he was n't a bit pleased at her comin' in that way to have hismemory system applied to her backward.

  "She says after that she went home to the duck madder 'n ever an' put onher felt slippers an' made up her mind as she'd make up for her lost dayby rippin' up her old carpets, an' that was the crownin' pyramid in herEgyptian darkness, for it's the carpet as has ended her."

  "Oh--" exclaimed Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, she's alive," said Susan, "but she ain't much more 'n alive, an'it's a wonder that she's that, an' it would be very bad for her if shewas n't, for young Dr. Brown says she can die fifty times before he'llever go near her again. He's awful mad an' he's got a bad bump on hisnose too where he fell over her, an' Mrs. Sweet's got to stay in bedthree days too for her arm where she dislocated it jerkin'--althoughgoodness knows what she tried jerkin' for--for I'd as soon think oftryin' to jerk a elephant from under a whale as to try to jerk Mrs. Macyfrom under a carpet. An' even with it all they could n't get her up an'had to get the blacksmith's crowbar an' pry, an' Mrs. Sweet says if anyone doubts as pryin' is painful they'd ought to of been there to hearMrs. Macy an' see Hiram an' the blacksmith."

  "But what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I'm goin' to tell you if you'll just keep still a little longer an' letme get through to the end," said her friend. "I got this part all backan' forth an' upside down from Mrs. Sweet while I was takin' her home bythe other arm. Oh, my, but it's awful about her, for she was preservin'an' wanted a extra cullender an' lost her right arm in consequence. Ihope her experience 'll be a lesson to you, Mrs. Lathrop, for it's beensuch a lesson to me that I may mention right here an' now 't if I everhear you hollerin' I shall put for the opposite direction as quick as Ican for I would n't never take no chances at gettin' dislocated likeMrs. Sweet is--not if I knew it. Young Dr. Brown says she's decapitatedthe angular connection between her collar bone an' somewhere else, an'she says she can well believe it judgin' from the way her ear keepsshootin' into her wrist an' back again."

  "But--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you know how Mrs. Macy always was forever given toeconomizin'. I don't say as economizin' is any sin, but I will say asMrs. Macy's ways of economizin' is sometimes most singular an' to-day'sa example of that. Economy's all right as long as you economize out ofyourself, but when it takes in Mrs. Sweet an' bumps young Dr. Brown I'veno patience--no more 'n Mrs. Sweet an' young Dr. Brown has. Young Dr.Brown says it looks awful to have a black eye an' no reason for itexcept fallin' over a carpet. He says when he explains as Mrs. Macy wasunder the carpet no one is goin' to think it any thin' but funny, an' hesays a doctor must n't be hurt funny ways. Mrs. Sweet don't feel toblame herself none for her arm 'cause she jerked like she doeseverythin' else, with her whole heart, an' she says she did so want toset her up that she tried harder an' harder every jerk.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, to go 'way back to the beginnin', seems as Mrs.Macy set out last night, as I said before, to make over her carpet.Seems as she wanted to turn it all around so's it'd fade away under thestove an' fray out in the corner where it don't show. I don't say as theidea was n't a good one--although it's come pretty hard on Mrs.Sweet--but anyhow, good or no good, she dug up the tacks last night an'ripped the widths an' set down to sew this mornin'. Her story is as sheturned the duck out to pasture right after breakfast an' then went towork an' sewed away as happy as a bean until about ten o'clock. Then shefelt most awful tired from the rippin' an' yesterday an' all, so shethought she'd rest a little. Seems as her legs was all done up in thecarpet an' gettin' out was hard so she thought she'd just lay back onthe floor. Seems she lay back suddener than she really intended an' asshe hit the floor, she was _took_.

  "She give a yell an' she says she kept on givin' yells for one solidhour, an' no one come. She says as no words can ever tell how awful itwas, for every yell sent a pain like barbed wire lightnin' forkin' an'knifin' all ways through her. No one heard her, for the blacksmith wasshoein' a mule on one side of her an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy wasdiscussin' Hiram on the other. You know what a mule is to shoe, Mrs.Lathrop, an' you know what Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy is when they take todiscussin' Hiram. I'll take my Bible oath as when Gran'ma Mu
llins an'Lucy gets to discussin' Hiram they couldn't hear no steam penelope outof a circus, not if it was settin' full tilt right on their very owndoor-mat. So poor Mrs. Macy laid there an' hollered till Mrs. Sweet camefor the cullender.

  "Mrs. Sweet says, _the_ shock she got when she opened the door an' seeMrs. Macy with the carpet on her was enough to upset anybody.

  "She says she thought at first as Mrs. Macy was tryin' to take up hercarpet by crawlin' under it an' makin' the tacks come out that way. Butthen she see as her face was up an' of course no Christian'd ever crawlunder no carpet with her face up. So she asked her what was the matter,an' Mrs. Macy told her frank an' open as she did n't know what was thematter. Then Mrs. Sweet went to work an' tried to set her up. An' shesays the way she yelled!

  "She says she jerked her by the arms, an' by the legs, an' even by thehead, an' her howls only grew awfuler an' awfuler. Mrs. Macy says as heragonies was terrible every time she slid a little along, an' she justbegged an' prayed for her to go an' get young Dr. Brown. So finally Mrs.Sweet ran next door an' separated Lucy an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Lucy wentfor young Dr. Brown an' Gran'ma Mullins an' Mrs. Sweet went for Mrs.Macy. Oh, my, but their story is as they jerked hard then, for theywanted her to be respectable in bed afore he came, but it was no use an'he bounced in an' fell over Mrs. Macy an' the carpet afore his eyes gotused to where he was. They had to help him up an' then he had to go inthe kitchen an' disinfect his bump afore he could take a look at Mrs.Macy. But seems he got around to her at last an' felt her pulse an' thenas he'd forgot his kinetoscope he just pounded her softly all over withthe tack-hammer, but he did n't find out nothin' that way for she yelledwherever he hit her. He said then as he'd like to turn X-rays throughher, only as there is n't no cellar under her house just there there'dbe no way to get a picture of the other side of what was the matter withher.

  "So he said she _must_ be got up, an' although she howled as she couldn't be, he had Lucy an' Hiram an' the blacksmith's crowbar an' theblacksmith, an' it was plain as she'd have to come whether nor no. Mrs.Sweet says it was surely a sight to see. They put the crowbar across afootstool, an' Hiram jerked on the other side at the same time, an' witha yell like Judgment Day they sat her up.

  "An' what do you think, Mrs. Lathrop? What _do_ you think? There was atack stickin' square in the middle of her back!

  "Oh, my, but young Dr. Brown was awful mad! Mr. Kimball says he guesseshe's got suthin' out of somebody now as he won't care to preserve inalcohol for a ornament to his mantelpiece. Hiram is mad, too, for he wasgoin' over to Meadville to fan a baseball team this afternoon an' hesays Mrs. Macy has used up all his fannin' muscle. An' Lucy's mad 'causeshe says she was way ahead of Gran'ma Mullins in what they were talkin'about an' now she's forgotten what that was. But Gran'ma Mullins wasmaddest of all when she found out about the duck, 'cause it seems asDrusilla Cobb's husband was a relation of hers an' as a consequence shenever could bear Drusilla, so I said I'd take the duck."

  "What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I shall fat him an' eat him."

  "An' what--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, further.

  "Oh, I forgot to tell you that: Mrs. Macy hunted up the magazine an'looked 'em up an' for a fact it was Kulosis after all. As soon as shesee it she remembered the four noses an' all, but she says she was toodone up to go any further at the minister just then."

  "Is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, finally.

  "I don't know, an' I don't care anyhow, an' I ain't goin' to catch nospider for the sake of findin' out. He'll eat just as well as she will,I reckon, an' if I have any doubts, my ways of settlin' 'em 'll be byparboilin' instead of spiders."

  So saying Susan rose, sought her duck, and departed.