Susan Clegg and Her Neighbors' Affairs Read online

  PART FOURTH

  MR. JILKINS'S HAT

  Polly Allen's wedding took place the next day, and Mrs. Lathrop came outon her front piazza about half past five to wait for her share in theevent.

  The sight of Mrs. Brown going by with her head bound up in a whitecloth, accompanied by Gran'ma Mullins with both hands similarly treated,was the first inkling the stay-at-home had that strange doings had beenlately done.

  Susan came next and Susan was a sight! Not only did her ears stand upwith a size and conspicuousness never inherited from either her fatheror her mother, but also her right eye was completely closed and shewalked lame.

  "The Lord have mercy!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, when the full force of herfriend's affliction effected its complete entrance into herbrain,--"Why, Susan, what--"

  "Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, "all I can say is I come out betterthan the most of 'em, 'n' if you could see Sam Duruy or Mr. Kimball orthe minister you 'd know I spoke the truth. The deacon 'n' Polly is bothin bed 'n' can't see how each other looks, 'n' them as has a eye isgoin' to tend them as can't see at all, an' God help 'em all if youngDr. Brown an' the mud run dry!" with which pious ejaculation Susanpainfully mounted the steps and sat down with exceeding gentleness upona chair.

  Mrs. Lathrop stared at her in dumb and wholly bewildered amazement.After a while Miss Clegg continued.

  "It was all the deacon's fault. Him 'n' Polly was so dead set on bein'fashionable 'n' bein' a contrast to Hiram an Lucy, 'n' I hope to-nightas they lay there all puffed up as they 'll reflect on their folly 'n'think a little on how the rest of us as did n't care rhyme or reason forfolly is got no choice but to puff up, too. Mrs. Jilkins is awful mad;she says Mr. Jilkins wanted to wear his straw hat anyhow, 'n' she saysshe always has hated his silk hat 'cause it reminds her o' when she wasyoung 'n' foolish enough to be willin' to go 'n' marry into a family aswas foolish enough to marry into Deacon White. Mrs. Jilkins is extra hotbecause she got one in the neck, but my own idea is as Polly Allen'sweddin' was the silliest doin's as I ever see from the beginnin', 'n'the end wa'n't no more than might o' been expected--all thingsconsidered.

  "When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as Isee, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you 'd never guess till kingdom come, so I mayas well tell you. It was Ed 'n' Sam Duruy 'n' Henry Ward Beecher 'n'Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we did n'tknow our own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I justshook my head 'n' walked to my pew, 'n' there, if it was n't looped shutwith a daisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been thereto have felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar woveup in hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' myown pew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me 'n' he whispered 'That'sreserved for the family.' I give him one look 'n' I will state, Mrs.Lathrop, as he wilted. It did n't take me long to break that daisy-chain'n' sit down in that pew, 'n' I can assure you as no one asked me to getup again. Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come 'n' looked at mesittin' there, but I give them jus' one look back 'n' they went 'n' satwith Mrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised asme over where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as tookthe taste o' the first clean out o' our mouths.

  "Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed 'n' Johnny come downwith two clothes-lines wound 'round with clematis 'n' tied us all inwhere we sat. Then they went back 'n' we all stayed still 'n' could n'tbut wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we did n'thave long to wait, 'n' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas Inever see--no--nor no one else neither.

  "'Long down the aisle, two 'n' two, 'n' hand in hand, like they thoughtthey was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed 'n' Johnny 'n' Henry WardBeecher 'n' Sam Duruy, 'n' I vow 'n' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never wasso nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they wasfunny, too, 'n' their mouths 'n' eyes was tight set sober, but some onein the back just _had_ to giggle, 'n' when we heard it we knew as thingsas was n't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. Theystopped in front 'n' lined up, two on a side, 'n' then, for all theworld like it was a machine-play, the little door opened 'n' out comethe minister 'n' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we wasall more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, 'n'he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough 'n' clear up histhroat 'n' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out theloud stop 'n' began to play for all she was worth, 'n' the door behindbanged 'n' every one turned aroun' to see.

  "Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we saw,--'n' I will in truth remark as such asawin' we 'll never probably get a chance to do again! Mrs. Sweet saysthey practised it over four times at the church, so they can't deny asthey meant it all, 'n' you might lay me crossways 'n' cut me intochipped beef 'n' still I would declare as I would n't have the face toown to havin' had any hand in plannin' any such weddin'.

  "First come 'Liza Em'ly 'n' Rachel Rebecca hand in hand carryin'daisies--of all things in the world to take to a weddin'--'n' then comeBrunhilde Susan, with a daisy-chain around her neck 'n' her belt stuckfull o' daisies 'n'--you can believe me or not, jus' as you please, Mrs.Lathrop, 'n' still it won't help matters any--'n' a daisy stuck in everybutton down her back, 'n' daisies tangled up in her hair, 'n' a bunch o'daisies under one arm.

  "Well, we was nigh to overcome by Brunhilde Susan, but we drawed somefresh breath 'n' kept on lookin', 'n' next come Polly 'n' Mr. Allen. Iwill say for Mr. Allen as he seemed to feel the ridiculousness of itall, for a redder man I never see, nor one as looked more uncomfortable.He was daisied, too--had three in his buttonhole;--but what took us allwas the way him 'n' Polly walked. I bet no people gettin' married everzigzagged like that before, 'n' Mrs. Sweet says they practised it bycountin' two 'n' then swingin' out to one side, 'n' then countin' two'n' swingin' out to the other--she watched 'em out of her attic windowdown through the broke blind to the church. Well, all I can say is, thatto my order o' thinkin' countin' 'n' swingin' is a pretty frame o' mindto get a husband in, but so it was, 'n' we was all starin' our eyes offto beat the band when the little door opened 'n', to crown everythin'else, out come the deacon 'n Mr. Jilkins, each with a daisy 'n' a silkhat, 'n' I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as new-born kittens is blood-redmurderers compared to how innocent that hat o' Mr. Jilkins looked. Anyone could see as it was n't new, but he was n't new either as far asthat goes, 'n' that was what struck me in particular about the wholething--nothin' 'n' nobody was n't any different only for Polly'sfoolishness 'n' the daisies.

  "Well, they sorted out 'n' begun to get married, 'n' us all sittin'lookin' on 'n' no more guessin' what was comin' next than a ant looksfor a mornin' paper. The minister was gettin' most through 'n' thedeacon was gettin' out the ring, 'n' we was lookin' to get up 'n' outpretty quick, when--my heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I never will forgetthat minute--when Mr. Jilkins--poor man, he's sufferin' enough for it,Lord knows!--when Mr. Jilkins dropped his hat!

  "That very next second him 'n' Ed 'n' Brunhilde Susan all hopped 'n'yelled at once, 'n' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' hisbook 'n' grabbin' his arm 'n' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself upin Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been plum petrified at such goings onany other day, only by that time the last one of us was feelin' to hopand grab 'n' yell on his own account. Gran'ma Mullins was tryin' to slapherself with the seat cushion, 'n' the way the daisies flew as folkswent over 'n' under that clematis rope was a caution. I got out as quickas I--"

  "But what--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop, her eyes fairly marble-like intheir redundant curiosity.

  "It was wasps!" said Susan. "It was a young wasps' nest in Mr. Jilkins'shat. Seems they carried their hats to church in their hands 'cause Pollydid n't want no red rings around 'em, 'n' so he never suspected nothin'till he dropped it. 'N' oh, poor little Brunhilde Susan in them shortskirts of hers--she might as well have wore a bee-hive! I will inconfidence remark as I got off easy, 'n' you can look at me 'n' figgeron what them as got it hard has got on t
hem. Young Dr. Brown went rightto work with mud 'n' Polly's veil 'n' plastered 'em over as fast as theycould get into Mrs. Sweet's. Mrs. Sweet was mighty obligin' 'n' turnedtwo flower-beds inside out 'n' let every one scoop with her kitchenspoons, besides runnin' aroun' herself like she was a slave gettin'paid. They took the deacon 'n' Polly right to their own house. Theycan't see one another anyhow, 'n' they was most all married anyway, soit did n't seem worth while to wait till the minister gets the use ofhis upper lip again."

  "Why--" interrogated Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Young Dr. Brown wanted to," said Susan, "he wanted to fill my ears withmud, 'n' my eye, too, but I did n't feel to have it done. You can't dieo' wasps' bills, 'n' you can o' young Dr. Brown's--leastways when youain't got no money to pay 'em, like I ain't got just at present."

  "It 's--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes," said Susan, "it struck me that way, too. This seems to be a veryunlucky town. Anything as comes seems to catch us all in a bunch. Thecow most lamed the whole community 'n' the automobile most broke itsback; time 'll tell what 'll be the result o' these wasps, but therewon't be no church Sunday for one thing, I know.

  "'N' it ain't the least o' my woes, Mrs. Lathrop, to think as I 've gotto sit 'n' smile on Mr. Weskin to-night from between two such ears as ison me, for a man is a man, 'n' it can't be denied as a woman as ismainly ears ain't beguilin'. Besides, I may in confidence state to you,Mrs. Lathrop, as the one as buzzed aroun' my head wa'n't really no waspa _tall_ in comparison to the one as got under my skirts."

  Mrs. Lathrop's eyes were full of sincere condolence; she did not evenimagine a smile as she gazed upon her afflicted friend.

  "I must go," said the latter, rising with a groan, "seems like I neverwill reach the bottom o' my troubles this year. I keep thinkin' there'snothin' left 'n' then I get a wasp at each end at once. Well, I 'll comeover when Mr. Weskin goes--if I have strength."

  Then she limped home.

  * * * * *

  It was about nine that night that she returned and pounded vigorously onher friend's window-pane. Mrs. Lathrop woke from her rocker-nap, went tothe window and opened it. Susan stood below and the moon illuminated hersmile and her ears with its most silvery beams.

  "He 's just gone!" she announced.

  "Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, rubbing her eyes.

  "He's gone; I come over to tell you."

  "What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I would n't care if my ears was as big as a elephant's now."

  "Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Mrs. Lathrop, you know as I took them bonds straight after father died'n' locked 'em up 'n' I ain't never unlocked 'em since?"

  Mrs. Lathrop assented with a single rapt nod.

  "Well, when I explained to Mr. Weskin as I 'd got to have money 'n' howwas the best way to sell a bond, he just looked at me, 'n' what do youthink he said--what _do_ you think he said, Mrs. Lathrop?"

  Mrs. Lathrop hung far out over the window-sill--her gaze was the gaze ofthe ever earnest and interested.

  Susan stood below. Her face was aglow with the joy of the affluent--hervery voice might have been for once entitled as silvery.

  "He said, Mrs. Lathrop, he said, 'Miss Clegg, why don't you go down tothe bank and cut your coupons?'"

  * * * * *

  A VERY SUPERIOR MAN

  Miss Clegg sat in Mrs. Lathrop's rocking-chair, on Mrs. Lathrop'skitchen stoop. Mrs. Lathrop sat at her friend's feet, picking overcurrants. If she picked over a great many she intended making jelly; ifonly a few, the result was to be a pie.

  Susan had on her bonnet and mitts and held her sun-umbrella firmlygripped between her two hands and her two knees. She looked weary andworn.

  "It seems kind o' funny that I bothered to go, now that I come to thinkit over," she said, gazing meditatively down upon her friend and herfriend's currant-picking; "I wa'n't no relation of Rufus Timmans, 'n'although I don't deny as it 's always a pleasure to go to any one'sfuneral, still it's a long ways to Meadville, 'n' the comin' back wasmost awful, not to speak o' havin' no dinner nowhere. It never makes noone brisk but a horse to go without eatin', 'n' I must in consequencesay 't I was really very sorry as Rufus was dead durin' the last part ofthe drive; but o' course he was a very superior man, 'n' as aconsequence nobody wanted to have it said in after life as they wa'n'tto his buryin'. So I went along with the rest, 'n' Heaven help me now,for I never was more beat out in all my life. I was up awful early thismornin' to be sure o' not bein' left, 'n' I may in confidence remark asI 've thought many times to-day as if I had been left I 'd of been asight better off. Long rides is very frisky for them as is young 'n' inlove 'n' likes to drive alternate, but for a woman o' my age, bein'wedged solid for sixteen miles at a time is most tryin'; 'n' comin' backsome o' them smart Meadville boys had the fine idea o' puttin' walnutsunder the seats, 'n' we rode most of the way thinkin' as they was ourbones till Mr. Dill jus' got up 'n' whopped his cushion over to see ifit 'd feel any different the other side, 'n' I may state as the resultsI shall remember till I die."

  "Who--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Everybody!" said Susan; "I never knowed how superior Rufus was till Isee how folks turned out for his funeral. Every minister 'n' doctor inthe whole vicinity was there. The Lumbs drove way up from Clightville,got overturned in the brook by the old knife factory, but come alongjust the same. Old Mr. 'n' Mrs. Trumbull started day before yesterday assoon as they knowed he was dead 'n' ate with relations all the way along'n' got them to come too whenever they could. They was seven buggies 'n'two democrats when they arrived at last. Mrs. Macy was waitin' for me inthe square when I got there this mornin' 'n' she told me as a cityreporter had come up to write a account of it 'n' as Dr. Cogswell wasgoin' to be there. They say as a live bishop wanted to make the prayerbut Rufus was so advanced in his views it seemed better not to come outtoo strong over his dead body. Mrs. Macy said it all showed what a verysuperior man he was. She says as she feels as maybe we did n'tappreciate him enough. She says maybe we was prejudiced. Lord knows it'svery hard not to be prejudiced agin' the folks you live among, 'n' Iguess any one as see Rufus mildly stumblin' around losin'pocket-handkerchiefs 'd of had a hard time regardin' him as superior;but he _was_ superior, 'n' Mrs. Macy says he _always_ was superior, forher aunt, old Mrs. Kitts, of Meadville, remembers when he was born, 'n'Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Kitts always says as he was superior right from thestart. She says as Mrs. Kitts says as Rufus's father was really 'most anuisance, talkin' about his superiority even the very first week he wasborn. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Kitts says that his father said right off theday he was born, as to his order o' thinkin' Rufus was different fromother babies right then 'n' there. He told Mrs. Kitts hisself as heknowed folks was often fools over their first babies, 'n' he did n'tcalcalate to act no such part, but in common honesty he _must_ state asRufus was 'way above the ordinary run, not because he was his baby, butjust because it was the plain truth. Mrs. Kitts said she see Rufusherself when he wa'n't but three days old, 'n' she told Mrs. Macy as shemust in truth confess as he looked then jus' about as he alwayslooked--kind of too awful wise to have any sense a _tall_. Mrs. Macysays Mrs. Kitts says the superior thing about Rufus them first days wasthe way as his mother looked on him. Mrs. Kitts says Tabitha Timmans wasa mos' remarkable woman, straight up her back 'n' all in 'n' out infront--one o' them women as is most all teeth--front teeth, 'n' Mrs.Kitts said whenever she looked at Rufus she was all back teeth too. Theyhad him in a clothes-basket to keep off draughts, with a quilt topervent changes in the weather, 'n' a mosquito-nettin' for fear a flymight thaw out unexpectedly 'n' get near him. Mrs. Kitts said TabithaTimmans was just about wild over him; she told Mrs. Kitts she felt itgallopin' up 'n' down her spine as how Rufus was surely goin' to grow upto be a inspector--or mebbe the president; she said any one could see hewas in for bein' suthin' high up 'n' sort o' quiet 'n' important. TildaAnn, Sammy Timmans's aunt, was there too. Mrs. Kitts says she alwaysliked Ti
lda Ann, what little she see of her, even if she _was n't_patient. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Kitts says Tilda Ann never had no realfault, only her never bein' able to be patient. She says if Tilda Annhad only had a little patience it 'd of been a great deal better for herin the end, for if Tilda Ann 'd had a little more patience she 'd neverhave come scurryin' home cross-lots that night in the fog 'n' gonehickety-pickety over the well-curb, thinkin' it was a stone wall. Mrs.Kitts says she never can help considerin' what a shock Tilda Ann musthave got when she realized as she was over, 'n' so was everythin' else."

  "My--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "But she was alive then," continued Susan, "'n' she was there takin'care o' Tabitha 'n' watchin' over Rufus. Mrs. Kitts said it did n't takemuch to see as Tilda Ann had n't no particular admiration for Rufus; shesaid right then 'n' there, as to her order o' thinkin,' Tabitha 'd oughtto teach him to quit suckin' his thumb right off,--she said as it was amost terrible job when they got bigger. Mrs. Kitts said Tabitha said asnot many babies was smart enough to suck their thumbs at Rufus's age,'n' then Tilda Ann said as not many mothers was fool enough to let 'em.Mrs. Kitts said Tilda Ann was never one to mince words. She always saidjus' what she thought, 'n' that was a very bad thing for her too, forafore she died she 'd said jus' what she thought to so many people thatthey had great difficulty gettin' a party together to hunt for her thatday as she turned up missin' on a'count of bein' down in the well.

  "While we was talkin'--Mrs. Macy 'n' me--up Gran'ma Mullins come 'n' itturned out from her as we was all three expected to squeeze over toMeadville on Mr. Jilkins's back seat together. Mrs. Macy 'n' me was farfrom pleased at that prospeck, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins did n't look overrejoiced herself. There is them as can wedge, 'n' them as can't, 'n' wewas all three the kind as can't. I ain't as wide as Mrs. Macy, nor yetthe soft and squashy kind like Gran'ma Mullins, but I will say, Mrs.Lathrop, as bein' overflowed around for sixteen miles, is to my order o'thinkin' full as tryin' as to be overflowin' aroun' somebody else."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, mildly.

  "No, you would n't either," said Susan, "I know you better 'n you knowyourself, Mrs. Lathrop, for I know you asleep 'n' awake, 'n' you onlyknow yourself awake; not as asleep 'n' awake is n't very much the samething with you, Mrs. Lathrop; but asleep or awake, the main fact is as Iknow most, so you can just keep still till I get done with what I 'msayin'."

  Mrs. Lathrop kept still.

  "Well, after it was settled as, willy-nilly, we'd got to back-seat it toMeadville together, Gran'ma Mullins begin about what a very superior manRufus was 'n' what a very superior boy he used to be. Mrs. Macy did n'tsay nothin', 'cause it was easy to see as she 'd really took it a gooddeal to heart bein' thirded for sixteen miles; but Gran'ma Mullins wentright on with when she lived in Meadville 'n' taught school that wintershe was seventeen. She said as Rufus was in her middle class that winter'n' _mos_' superior. He was nine 'n' the oldest o' nine, there bein' twopairs o' twins; she said it looked like Tabitha 'n' Sammy had took theBible about replenishin' the earth right on to their own shoulders.Gran'ma Mullins said it was suthin' to make any one content to teachschool forever, only to look at 'em; she said she should always think itwas that as made all the men in Meadville so ready to go to the war 'n'the women so calm over their gettin' killed; she said no one wanted toget married there, anyhow."

  "But she--" interposed Mrs. Lathrop, quickly.

  "Well, but she knew he had a bullet in him 'n the Roman fever 'n' apension," said Susan, "she knowed she was pretty safe--I would n't blameher under them circumstances. But that's neither here nor anywhere else,Mrs. Lathrop, 'n' what with your interruptin' Lord knows when we willget around to Rufus, for I keep forgettin' he 's dead 'n' rememberin'him alive, 'n' no one as remembers Rufus Timmans alive could ever tellanything about him, 'n' you know that as well as I do. Gran'ma Mullinssaid herself to-day as he was a great problem to her in school, 'n' sheused to study him out of all comparison to the other children. Every oneadmitted as he was superior, 'n' yet no one knowed jus' why. She says hereally _was_ superior in lots o' ways, 'n' he whittled her a open-workink-stand once for a Christmas as she 's used for toothpicks ever since,but she says the inside o' his ideas was surely most amazin'. She saysshe had him for two years, 'n' all she could say was as in all them twoyears she was mostly struck dumb by him. She says she used to go up 'n'talk to Tabitha, 'n' Tilda Ann used to come down 'n' talk with her, butnothin' ever seemed to come of it. Tilda Ann declared up 'n' down as hewas a fool through 'n' through, 'n' poor Tabitha was awful nervous forfear he 'd invent somethin' in bed some night as would surely blow thehouse up. Seems he was so ahead at ten years old that he wanted to studyto be a chemist, 'n' so behind that he spelt it 'kemst,' 'n' him all often years old.

  "Gran'ma Mullins said she used to be clean beside herself; he was theshow-boy whenever the board came, 'n' never got his lessons betweentimes. She says she always knowed he 'd turn out _some way_, but TildaAnn never had no opinion of him a _tall_. Not as Tilda Ann's opinionmattered much, 'cause she climbed into the well just about then, 'n'Rufus looked out a verse for her tombstone in the Bible. It was a verygood motto for her too,--it was, 'Well done, thou good 'n' faithfulservant'; it made a lot o' talk, 'cause she really never was paidnothin', but the sentiment about the well was very pretty, 'n' every onethought Tilda Ann herself would have liked it if she 'd stayed up 'n' sohad any say in the matter.

  "Gran'ma Mullins went on to say as she got married soon after, so sherun out of talk, an' Mrs. Macy 'n' me was so tired listenin' to heranyway that we was all more 'n' content jus' to stand aroun' 'n' waittill the Jilkinses come drivin' up. Then we all had to up 'n' insomehow, 'n' I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as wedgin' Mrs. Macy an' Gran'maMullins was certainly a sight to see. They was for puttin' me in themiddle, but I was flat for a outside so 's I could breathe, 'n' in theend Mrs. Jilkins set between me 'n' Gran'ma Mullins, 'n' Mrs. Macy setwith Mr. Jilkins--what of her did n't hang over outside."

  "What did--" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "There was n't no other way to get 'em both there--that's why," saidSusan; "there was them as went on the cars, but that was n't no greatsuccess, for they was so late that Rufus had his lid all on afore theygot there, so they really had very little for their money. 'N' besides,if we 'd all gone on the cars, how was we to get to the grave? Rufus waswell this side o' Meadville, 'n' the cemetery's some further this way,'n' whatever your views may be I hope you don't mind my sayin' right outas other folks' views is always more sensible. You can't be expected toknow much, Mrs. Lathrop, with your few church privileges 'n' your parlortoo small for the sewin' society; but if you was less inclined to talk'n' more inclined to listen to me I may in confidence remark as you_might_ learn about the funeral--even if you never learned nothin' elsein this world."

  Mrs. Lathrop was again silent forthwith.

  "Drivin' over we all talked about Rufus. We had really a very pleasantride, for we was all disposed to view him kindly goin' over. Mrs. Macytold over again what a superior baby he was, 'n' Gran'ma Mullins toldover again what a superior boy he was, 'n' Mrs. Macy said as Mrs. Kittssaid as he was the talk o' the town when he was twenty-one. Gran'maMullins did n't remember much about him then, 'cause she got marriedalong about that time, 'n' she 's always said that them who gets marrieddon't need nothin' else to do for one while; but Mrs. Macy said Rufuswas one o' the most superior young men as Mrs. Kitts ever see. She saidas old Mr. Tilley took him right into the heart 'n' soul o' hisdrug-store jus' because his mother was his cousin, 'n' even then thegeneral feelin' was as he was way above the business. Mrs. Macy said asMrs. Kitts said she 'd never forget goin' in one day for some salts 'n'finding Rufus all alone. Why, she said she never had known he was sohead 'n' shoulders above other people! She says she 's told the story amillion times 'n' it 's still fresh in her mind. She said she asked forsimple salts, 'n' he begun right off about a comet. She felt awfuluncomfortable to have to say as she had n't seen no comet, 'n' then itturned out no wonder, 'cause you could only see it from
China an'Maddygasgar. She said she was awful interested, 'n' he was too, 'n' inthe end he was _so_ interested that he found he had n't poured out o'the salts bottle a _tall_. It was only just a chance as he remembered asit was salts she wanted, 'n' she said he was _so_ nice about it, wentunder the counter to find a cork to fit, 'n' told her all about how theyget gumarabic while he was under there, 'n' she was so deep in thesubjeck that she never noticed, 'n' he stuck a poison label on, 'n' theyboth laughed over that fit to kill themselves. My goodness, Mrs. Macysaid, but Mrs. Kitts said as he was a taking young man. In the end hewrote the name in Latin across the skull 'n' cross-bones, 'n' she onlyhad to always remember as 'Sally Simplex' meant 'simple salts' fromthen on.

  "She went on to say as the biggest thing Rufus ever done long about thenwas to down their minister in a open conversation one night callin' atDeacon Grummel's. She told all about it, 'n' seems as there was sometalk afterwards about gettin' up a subscription to send him to college,only it never come to nothin' 'cause no one wanted to subscribe. Seemsthe minister was Luther Law, him as moved to Chicago afterwards 'n' gotburnt up or out--I forget which--in the fire. Seems he was to DeaconGrummel's one night, 'n' him 'n' Rufus got to discussin' what we allcome from. Mrs. Macy says Mrs. Grummel said she never hear the like. She'n' her husband was jus' all of a tremble. She said afterwards that ifit 'd of been any other minister than Luther Law, Rufus _would_ have hadhim sure. She said it was just like a lecture hall to hear, upon herhonor. The minister begun by startin' out for our all comin' from Adam'n' Eve, but Rufus come out flat for our bein' from monkeys. Well, Mrs.Grummel said she 'n' her husband could n't do no more than feel theirhearts beat at _that_. Rufus jus' argued 'n' kep' on arguin' till hemade the minister admit as there was n't nothin' absolute agin' monkeys,'n' then--if that young man did n't go him one better 'n' say as hebelieved in tadpoles himself. Luther Law was flat agin' tadpoles, butRufus never let up till he got him to admit that if the Lord could makea man out of a monkey He could make him out of a tadpole, too. 'N'_then_, when he'd got him so far, what _do_ you think, Mrs.Lathrop,--what do you think!--Mrs. Macy said as Mrs. Kitts said as Mrs.Grummel said if that young man did n't look right square into Luther'sface 'n' say as to _his_ order o' thinkin' it wasn't what we'd come fromas mattered so much as what we'd develop into _next_. 'That's what Iwant to know,' he said to Luther Law, runnin' his hand into himself inthat way as was so fashionable along 'bout then, 'that's what _I_ wantto know, 'n' I can't find no one as has a addykit answer for me.'

  "Well, Mrs. Macy said Mrs. Kitts said as up to her deathbed day Mrs.Grummel _always_ said as that was _the_ minute o' her life. She saidfacin' cannon would n't be nothin' to the way she 'n' the deacon feltover seein' the minister asked a thing like that right on top o' theirown tea! But, lor, you never could stick Luther Law. A minister wouldn't be able to be able to be a minister if little things like questionsyou can't answer could run him aground. He jus' waited a minute 'n' thenhe looked slow 'n' sad, an' lifted up his hand _so_, 'n' pointed _so_,an' said, 'Young man, how can you ask such a question, with the starryheaven right on top of your head?'

  "Well! Mrs. Grummel said it was like a flash o' thunder splittin' cleanthrough the air. She said her husband never quit saying to his dying dayas that was the smartest thing as Luther Law ever said, considerin' howlittle time he had to think, 'n' it was the only thing in the wide worldas he could of said, too. She said she told that story all over town,'n' no one could ever decide which was the smartest, Rufus or LutherLaw; 'cause even if Luther Law did find a way out, it was such aastonishin' thing as he did that Rufus got a sight o' credit out ofcomin' as nigh to stickin' him as _he_ did. A good many people begun tosay then as he was too superior for a small town;--old Dr. Lumb said asto his order o' thinkin' he 'd ought to move near to some place wherehe'd have professors to talk to.

  "Mrs. Macy said Mrs. Kitts give her to understand, though, as there wasa 'nother side to Rufus even then, 'n' it begun to crop out mightyyoung, too. Mrs. Kitts said she would n't mention it only in confidence,but Mr. Tilley, of the drug-store where Rufus was, told _her_ as he'd beonly too glad to see Rufus move _anywhere_, whether it had professors totalk to or not. Mr. Tilley said his ideas was far too advanced for asmall town. Mr. Tilley said he could n't find the easiest things afterRufus had got 'em labelled in Latin, 'n' he said it wasn't practical toclassify no drug-store without a rollin' step-ladder anyhow. Then therecame up the Kelly cat, 'n' on account of the Kellys havin' money theKelly cat come nigh to endin' Rufus. I never hear about the Kelly catafore, but seems as the Kelly cat was ailin' 'n' the Kellys took it toRufus for catnip, 'n' Rufus got to discoursin' with Bessy on how ifyou're born under Venus with Mars gettin' up you're bound to marrywhoever you love, 'n' he clean forgot what ailed the cat 'n' tried togive her ipecac as if she was croupy instead o' bein' droopy. The catknowed ipecac even if Rufus did n't, 'n' she bounced out from betweenhim 'n' Bessy 'n' bounced into the winder 'n' busted the big bottle fullo' green. Rufus said it was a fit, 'n' he got a hair-oil bottle as givesyou a nickel nose of your own for nothin', 'n' he put the nose on theipecac 'n' got the whole down the cat so far that she come nigh toswallowin' the nose. Mrs. Macy said Mrs. Kelly never felt to forgiveRufus, 'n' it set her deader 'n' ever agin' him, but, lor, Bessy was toohead over heels in love to care about cats or ipecac. She was as sureRufus was superior as any one could be, 'n' every one knowed what was upas well as she 'n' Rufus did. Mrs. Macy said as every one said as asuperior young man must marry money or he could n't in reason staysuperior long, 'n' Rufus was dead set on stayin' superior, so they wasmarried the next spring 'n' moved to the city, 'n' they did n't comeback till it was plain as Mr. Kelly 'd have to support 'em or let Bessystarve on Rufus's superiority."

  Susan paused abruptly and sighed. Mrs. Lathrop said never a word.Presently the discourse flowed on again.

  "Well, there was n't really no wish to say nothin' but good of Rufus,but it is a long drive to Meadville an' we had to talk, 'n' you know aswell as I do, Mrs. Lathrop, as it's nigh to impossible to talk long ofpeople if you 're only to say good of 'em. Rufus was there 'n' dead totalk about, 'n' while we naturally wished him well, still we was prettytired before we got through drivin' sixteen miles to bury him. Gran'maMullins said finally as he was certainly a very superior man, but sheknowed from her niece Hannah as he was trying to live with. She saidHannah lived with 'em for five years 'n' looked after the children, 'ncheered Bessy up when she was nigh to wore out with bein' married toRufus. Hannah never had no use for Rufus Timmans herself,--she was awfulfond o' Bessy 'n' the boys, but she drawed the line at Rufus, 'n'Gran'ma Mullins says she never minced matters neither. Gran'ma Mullinssays as Hannah used to walk right in on Rufus 'n' let fly whenever shefelt as the salvation of her soul called on her to speak or bu'st. Shesaid Hannah said what she could n't stand was the way the general publicseemed to coincide with Rufus's opinion of himself. Hannah used to sayas the general run o' folks did n't have to live with Rufus Timmans an'she did, 'n' she furthermore used to say if the general run o' folks hadhad to live with Rufus Timmans they would n't o' viewed him from nofancy standpoint no more 'n' she did herself. Hannah used to say as dayin 'n' day out was a terrible lettin' in o' light on dark spots, 'n' forher part she had n't got no use for a man as had the whole o' the insideo' the earth by heart 'n' was n't one earthly bit o' good on the outsideof it. Hannah said as all she could say was as she wisht as some o' themas admired his superior understandin' could just be in her place onewhile. Gran'ma Mullins said as there was one time as Hannah never gotover, 'n' that was the cistern, she said as Hannah always got madwhenever she told it, 'n' she told it so often, her face stayed alwaysred in the end, jus' from tellin' that story so often.

  "Seems as Rufus thought mebbe there was a dead rat in the cistern, so hehad the cistern cleaned out, 'n' the drouth came on, 'n' Monday come ontop o' the drouth, 'n' Hannah pumped her arms most off afore sherealized as there wa'n't no water a _tall_, 'n' then she was that mad asshe walked right in on Rufus 'n' gi
ve it to him.

  "Gran'ma Mullins said Hannah said it made her mad only to look at him;he was sittin' in the little shady parlor, jus' softly rockin' back 'n'forth, readin' a book as told why the Dead Sea 's dead. Well, Hannahsaid no words could tell how much madder she got when she got right infront o' him--to see a able-bodied man rockin' 'n' readin' Dead Seas ontop of a empty cistern. Hannah was never one to keep her own counsel inthe face of her own feelin's, you know, 'n' she jus' went right up infront of Rufus 'n' said as calm as she could, 'Mr. Timmans, where's thewater for the wash to come from?' Gran'ma Mullins said Hannah alwayssaid as she tried to stay calm but she give out young, 'n' the sight o'Rufus liftin' his superior eyes jus' did for her. She put her two handson her two hips, an' let out right then 'n' there, 'Mr. Timmans,' shesays, 'you was so sure 't there was a rat drowned in the cistern,' shesays, 'that nothin' mus' do but you mus' clean it out,' she says; ''n'there wa'n't no rat,' she says, ''n' it ain't rained since,' she says,''n' how're we to wash?' she says,--'n' then she waited to see what hewould say, 'n' she said a lamb would o' begun to hop about 'n' yowl withmad to see how kind of calm 'n' dazed like 'n' altogether peaceful 'n'happy he looked up at her. 'N' he says, quite placid 'n' contented,'Can't you get some water out o' the pond?' he says. 'Out o' the pond!'says Hannah, high-keyed like,--Gran'ma Mullins says Hannah always wenthigh-keyed easy,--'out o' that muddy, swampy, slimy, marshy, cow-churnedpond,' says Hannah, 'out o' that nasty, dirty, filthy, green pond,' saysHannah, gettin' high-keyeder 'n' high-keyeder. 'I can get it clean foryou,' says Rufus, a-openin' the Dead Sea 'n' runnin' his eyes aroun' forhis place,--'jus' say when you want it,' he says. Well, Gran'ma Mullinssaid Hannah always said as she never knowed what kept her off him atthat minute, for she was that mad she felt like the righteous judgmento' the Lord was in the ends of her very finger-nails. '_Now_,' she says,'right _now_,' she says; 'that's when I want it,' she says. Rufus lookedup 'n' see she was in earnest, 'n' she says the way he sighed like hewas a martyr as led the band was enough to have ended her patience once'n' for all time if it had n't been for the wash, 'n' then he carefullyturned a leaf down in the Dead Sea 'n' got out o' the rocker 'n' went'n' got Nathan Lumb 'n' they went off together.

  "Well, Gran'ma Mullins said Hannah begun to wait, 'n' Hannah waiteduntil if Hannah had waited any longer she 'd have gone off like arocket, she was that mad again. Gran'ma Mullins said Hannah always gotso red she got purple if she only was rememberin' it after. 'N' in theend she could n't stand it no longer 'n' she set off for the pondherself. She always said as she just hoped 'n' prayed as they was bothon 'em drowned all the way there, but the Lord in his mercy was n'tseein' fit to deal out no such luck, 'n' she found the pond there an'Rufus 'n' Nathan gone.

  "'N' what do you suppose she see, Mrs. Lathrop; what _do_ you supposeshe see? You never heard the like, 'n' the whole wagon of us could n'tbut feel as it was maybe just as well as we was on our way to Rufus'sfuneral, for we _never_ could have faced him in real life after hearin'such a tale.

  "Seems there was the pond 'n' there was the edge o' the pond, 'n' therewas two barrels as Rufus 'n' Nathan had set close to the edge. One o'the barrels was empty 'n' one was full o' dirty swamp-water, 'n' Rufus'ssuperior mind had hung a old piece o' carpet from one barrel over intothe other so it could suck up dirty water 'n' drip off clean, 'n' mebbeif the sun did n't shine too hard Hannah 'd have a pail o' clean watercome Hallowe'en. 'N' the wash waitin'!

  "Mr. Jilkins said as that was jus' what might o' been expected o' Rufus.He'd like to observe the theery 'n' he would n't care about the wash.Gran'ma Mullins said it did the business for Hannah, though. She nevercould make up her mind to take Dr. Lumb before on a'count o' hisswearin' so, but she made up her mind as anythin' as 'd rid her o' Rufus'n' give her a chance to boss Nathan 'd fill her bill after that, 'n'she went up that very night 'n' told Dr. Lumb, as if he still wantedher, she was prepared to be took. He wanted her 'n' he took her, 'n' shewas to the funeral to-day with Nathan 'n' his two boys, all of 'embrushed so slick you could see with half a eye as Hannah had got a dealo' satisfaction out o' them all these years since.

  "She come over to sit beside Gran'ma Mullins 'n' talked a little while.She said Bessy Timmans was bearin' Rufus's loss mos' bravely, 'n' herdaughter Betty was come home 'n' brought the baby to comfort her. Hannahsaid as Betty was a very sweet young woman. She said she never forgotthe day when she was only four years old, 'n' asked right out why thefamily had to be so proud o' Rufus. Hannah said her mother shut her upquick, but it was plain to be seen as that child had eyes for them ascould hear, 'n' was pretty quick at sizin' up Rufus.

  "It was a awful big funeral. Folks was there from all over. I drove outto the graveyard with old Dr. Lumb 'n' Dr. Cogswell from the city. Theother one was Susy Carter, 'n' she's so deaf all I could do was tolisten to the front seat. Dr. Cogswell said as it was a great pity thata superior man like Rufus Timmans should have had to live his life outon highways 'n' edges by circumstances probably beyond his control. Dr.Lumb said yes, a small community like Meadville could n't never offernothin' like a addykit scope to a brain like Rufus's. He said he wassurprised as Rufus's brain had managed to scratch along as well as ithad under the circumstances. He said, with the exception of himselfRufus had never had no one to really talk to. He said, to be frank, hewould in confidence remark to Dr. Cogswell as Bessy Timmans was a veryinferior person an' no ways up to Rufus. He said as he should n't bepersonally surprised to know as her feelin's towards Rufus partook moreof a element of impatience than of admiration. He said as one night whenhe was there he was most dumbfounded to see how little attention shepaid with Rufus discoursin' on trilobites 'n their relations to thecursory strata. Dr. Cogswell sighed 'n' said he was afraid he'd have toadmit as he feared that was mebbe only too likely to be true. He said hefelt a sadness because every trilobite as was related by Rufus was ofprofound value to any scientific student. He said Rufus was one at whosefeet them as is learned could easy sit and learn some more. He saidRufus ought to o' gotten out in the world thirty years ago,--but then hesighed again, 'n' said probably circumstances as no one knowed nothingof probably chained him here. It was easy to see as Dr. Lumb had a awfulhigh opinion o' Rufus, but that 'd be only natural, him bein' married toHannah as was so dead set agin' him, 'n' he shook his head then 'n' saidas he believed as Dr. Cogswell had guessed pretty nigh to the truth. Hesaid he knowed as Bessy was born in Meadville, 'n' as her property wasthere 'n' he said his own opinion was that with the shortsightednesscommon to her sex she had chained the eagle so as she might stay amongher little circle o' petty friendships, 'n' so the noble bird had wornhis soul away in captivity, so to speak.

  "Dr. Cogswell said 'Ah!' 'n' then they both shook their heads together'n' sighed together.

  "Hannah did n't go out to the grave. She stayed with Bessy. She took meinto the pantry afore we left 'n' said as the spirit o' relief hoverin'in the house was beyond all belief. She said Betty was goin' to take hermother home with her when she went. She said Betty said as she couldcome back to Meadville whenever she liked, but she said as Bessy saidshe'd never want to come back. Hannah says Bessy told her as all sheasked was to live out her days some place where she 'd never have tohear again what a very superior man Rufus was.

  "I stood aroun' an' talked with a lot more folks. The general feelin'was as it was a great honor to be buryin' Rufus, but nobody knowed justwhy. I thought about it comin' home a-jouncin' along over them walnuts.(My, but they was hard!) The truth seems to be as there 's some folksborn to be superior 'n' to know as they're superior, 'n' other folksborn to admire 'em, 'n' neither set sees jus' why."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Well, as long as you say so I may as well admit as I was thinkin' thatvery thing myself," said Susan; "but far be it from me to have said sucha thing myself _of_ myself, Mrs. Lathrop--but as long as _you_ say it Ican't but remark as no one in their senses could deny its bein' true o'me."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, that's your misfortune," said
Miss Clegg, graciously; "there ain'tno need of apologizin' to a old friend like me. 'N' anyway, Mrs.Lathrop, I guess nobody could n't tell _me_ nothin' about yourinferiorities--not after livin' next to you all the years as I have; butyou know me, 'n' you know as nothin' ever changes my feelin's towards afriend--not even towards such a friend as you, Mrs. Lathrop."

  Mrs. Lathrop was silent.

  * * * * *

  Other books by Anne Warner

  THE REJUVENATION OF AUNT MARY

  Always amusing and ends in a burst of sunshine.--_Philadelphia Ledger_.

  Impossible to read without laughing. A sparkling, hilarious tale.--_Chicago Record-Herald_.

  The love story is as wholesome and satisfactory as the fun. In its class this book must be accorded the first place.--_Baltimore Sun_.

  The humor is simply delicious.--_Albany Times-Union_.

  Every one that remembers Susan Clegg will wish also to make the acquaintance of Aunt Mary. Her "imperious will and impervious eardrums" furnish matter for uproarious merriment.... A book to drive away the blues and make one well content with the worst weather.--_Pittsburg Gazette_.

  Cheerful, crisp, and bright. The comedy is sweetened by a satisfying love tale.--_Boston Herald_.

  SUSAN CLEGG AND HER FRIEND MRS. LATHROP

  It is seldom a book so full of delightful humor comes before the reader. Anne Warner takes her place in the circle of American woman humorists, who have achieved distinction so rapidly within recent years.--_Brooklyn Eagle_.

  Nothing better in the new homely philosophy style of fiction has been written.--_San Francisco Bulletin_.

  Anne Warner has given us the rare delight of a book that is extremely funny. Hearty laughter is in store for every reader.--_Philadelphia Public Ledger_.

  Susan is a positive contribution to the American characters in fiction.--_Brooklyn Times_.

  Susan Clegg is a living creature, quite as amusing and even more plausible than Mrs. Wiggs. Susan's human weaknesses are endearing, and we find ourselves in sympathy with her.--_New York Evening Post_.

  No more original or quaint person than she has ever lived in fiction.--_Newark Advertiser_.

  A WOMAN'S WILL

  It is a relief to take up a volume so absolutely free from stressfulness. The love-making is passionate, the humor of much of the conversation is thoroughly delightful. The book is as refreshing a bit of fiction as one often finds; there is not a dull page in it.--_Providence Journal_.

  It is bright, charming, and intense as it describes the wooing of a young American widow on the European Continent by a German musical genius.--_San Francisco Chronicle_.

  A deliciously funny book.--_Chicago Tribune_.

  There is a laugh on nearly every page.--_New York Times_.

  Most decidedly an unusual story. The dialogue is nothing if not original, and the characters are very unique. There is something striking on every page of the book.--_Newark Advertiser_.

  A more vivacious light novel could not be found.--_Chicago Record-Herald_.