Susan Clegg and a Man in the House Read online

  CHAPTER VI

  THE EDITOR'S ADVICE COLUMN

  "I'm a good deal worried over Elijah," Miss Clegg said to Mrs. Lathrop,one day when the new paper was about three weeks old, and when the townhad begun to take both it and its editor with reasonable calm; "he doeshave so many ideas. Some of his ideas are all right as far as I can see,but he has 'em so thick an' fast that it worries me more'n a little. Itain't natural to have new ideas all the time an' no one in thiscommunity ever does it. He's forever tellin' me of some new way he'sthought of for branchin' out somewhere an' his branches make me more'n alittle nervous. The old ways is good enough for us an' I try to hold himdown to that idea, but first he wants me to get a new kind of flatironsas takes off while you heat it, an' next he wants me to fix the paperall over new.

  "I brought over somethin' as he wrote last night to read you, an' showyou how curious his brains do mix up things. He brought it down thismornin' an' read it to me, an' I asked him to give it to me to read toyou. I was goin' to bring it to you anyway, but then he said as I couldtoo, so it's all right either way. It's some of his new ideas an' hesaid he'd be nothin' but glad to have you hear 'em 'cause he says themore he lives with me the more respect he's got for your hearin' an'judgment. He asked me what I thought of it first, an' I told him frankan' open as I did n't know what under the sun to think of it. I meantthat, too, for I certainly never heard nothin' like it in my life afore,so he said we could both read it to-day an' I could tell him what wethought to-night, when he come home.

  "Wh--" asked Mrs. Lathrop, with real interest.

  "Well, seems he's been thinkin' as it's time to begin to show us howup-to-date he looks on life, he says, an' as a consequence he's openin'up what he calls the field of the future. He says he's goin' to have aeditorial this week on beginnin' from now on to make every issue of the_Megaphone_ just twice as good as the one afore. I told him if he reallymeant what he said it could n't possibly be worth no dollar a year now,but he said wait an' see an' time would tell an' virtue be her ownreward. He says he's goin' to make arrangements with a woman in the cityfor a beauty column, an' arrangements with some other woman as is apractical preserver, an' have a piece each time on how to be your owndressmaker once you get cut out; I thought that these things was aboutenough for one paper, but oh my! he went on with a string more, as longas your arm. He's goin' to begin to have a advice column too, rightoff, an' that's this I've brought over to read you; he says lots offolks want advice an' don't want to tell no one nor pay nothin' an' theycan all write him an' get their answers on anythin' in the wide worldwhen the paper comes out Saturday. I could n't but open my eyes a littleat that, for I know a many as need advice as I should n't considerElijah knew enough to give, but Elijah's a man an' in consequence don'tknow anythin' about how little he does know, so I did n't say nothin'more on that subject. He's full of hope an' says he's soon goin' to showbig city papers what genius can do single-handed with a second-handprintin' press, an' he talked an' talked till I really had to tell himthat if he did n't want his breakfast he'd have to go back to bed orelse down town."

  "Is the--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, this is it. He done it last night an' he give it to me thismornin' to read to you. It's to be called 'The Advice Column' an' he'sgoin' to head it 'Come to My Bosom' an' sign it 'Aunt Abby' 'cause ofcourse if he signed it himself he'd be liable for breach of promise fromany girl as read the headin' an' chose to think he meant her."

  "But who--?" began Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Why, nobody the first week, of course. He had to make 'em uphimself--an' the answers too, an' that's what makes it all seem so sillyto me. But he did work over it,--he says no one knows the work ofgettin' people stirred up to enthusiasm in a small town like this, an'he says he'd ought to have a martyr's crown of thorns, he thinks, foreven thinkin' of gettin' a advice column started when most of hisenergies is still got to go tryin' to get our fund for the famine bigenough to make it pay to register the letter when the cheque goes. Hesays the trouble with the fund is no one has no relations there an' agood many thought as it was mostly Chinamen as is starvin' anyhow.Elijah says the world is most dreadful hard-hearted aboutChinamen--they don't seem to consider them as of any use a _tall_. Hesays it's mighty hard to get up a interest in anythin' here anyhow, Lordknows--for he says that San Francisco fund an' what become of it hascertainly been a pill an' no mistake. The nearest he come to that wasgettin' a letter as Phoebe White wrote the deacon about how thegovernment relief train run right through the town she's in, but Elijahsays after all his efforts he has n't swelled the famine fundthirty-five cents this week. He says Clightville has give nine dollarsan' Meadville has give fifteen dollars an' two barrels an' a mattress,if anybody wants it C. O. D., an' here we are stuck hard at six dollarsan' a quarter an' two pennies as the minister's twins brought just afterthey choked on them licorish marbles."

  "Did--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "No, I did n't. I tell you what, Mrs. Lathrop, I keep a learnin'; inregard to givin' to funds I've learned a very good trick fromRockefeller an' Carnegie in the papers; they come to me about that SanFrancisco one an' I said right out frank an' open that if the town wouldgive five hundred dollars I'd give fifty. That shut up every one's mouthan' set every one to thinkin' how much I was willin' to give an' as amatter of fact I did n't give nothin' a _tall_."

  "But about--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes," said Susan, opening the paper which she had in her hand, "I wasjust thinkin' of it, too. I'll read it to you right off now an' you seeif you don't think about as I do. I think myself as Elijah's made somepretty close cuts at people, only of course every one will guess as hemust of made 'em up 'cause they don't really fit to no one. Still, it'sa risky business an' I wish he'd let it alone for he lives in my housean' I know lots of folks as is mean enough to say that these things waslike enough said to him by me--a view as is far from likely to make myfriends any more friendly."

  "Do--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, I'm goin' to." Then Miss Clegg drew a long breath and re-beganthus:

  "Well, now, the first is, 'How can you put pickles up so they'll keepthe year 'round?'" She paused there and looked expectantly at the placidMrs. Lathrop as if she was asking a riddle or conducting an examinationfor the benefit of her friend. Mrs. Lathrop, however, had turned and waslooking the other way so it was only when the length of the pausebrought her to herself with a violent start, that she answered:

  "My heavens ali--"

  "The answer is," said Susan promptly, "'Put 'em up so high that nobodycan reach them.'"

  Mrs. Lathrop opened her eyes.

  "I don't--" she protested.

  "No, I did n't think as it was very sensible myself," responded Susan,"but do you know, Elijah laughed out loud over it. That's what's funnyabout Elijah to my order of thinkin'--he's so amused at himself. Hethinks that's one of the best things he's done as a editor, he says, an'I'm sure I can't see nothin' funny in it any more than you can. An' youdon't see nothin' funny in it, do you?"

  "No," said Mrs. Lathrop, "I--"

  "Nor me neither," said Susan, "an' now the next one is sillier yet, tomy order of thinkin'. It's a letter an' begins, 'Dear Aunt Abby;' thenit says, 'Do you think it is possible to be happy with a young man withfreckles? My husband says Yes, but my mother says No. He's my husband'sson by his first wife. I have twins myself. I want the boy sent to ahome of some sort. What do you think? Yours affectionately--Ada.'"

  "What under the--" ejaculated Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Just what I said," said Susan. "I could n't make head or tail out of itmyself an' I'm afraid it'll make Deacon White mad 'cause Polly's hissecond wife--yes, an' the minister's got two wives, too. I tried to makeElijah see that but he just said to read the answer."

  "What is--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Oh, the answer's just as dumbfounderin' as the question, I think. Theanswer says, 'Hang on to the boy. If you get the twin habit he'll proveinvaluable.'"

  "Well, I--" said Mrs. Lathrop, disgust
edly.

  "I told Elijah that myself. I said that the minister was bound to feelhurt over the second wife part, but with twins in the answer he's sureto feel it means him an' I expect he'll maybe stop takin' the paper an'join Mrs. Macy's club. Mrs. Macy got real mad at somethin' Mr. Kimballsold her last week an' as a consequence she went an' made what she callsher Newspaper Club, she rents her paper for a cent a day now an' shemade four cents last week. She says if Elijah Doxey ever says anythin'in the paper about her again she'll take three papers an' rent 'em attwo mills a day an' supply the whole town an' wreck him so flat he'llhave to hire out to pick hops. I told Elijah what she said an' he saidfor the Lord's sake to tell Mrs. Macy as her toes was hereafterperfectly safe from all his treads. I told her, but she says he need n'tthink quotin' from poets is goin' to inspire faith in him in her verysoon again. She says over in Meadville it's town talk as Elijah Doxey ishavin' just a box of monkeys' fun with us."

  "Do you--" cried Mrs. Lathrop, open-eyed.

  "No, I don't, for I asked him an' he crossed his heart to the contrary.But really, Mrs. Lathrop, you must let me read the rest of this for I'vegot to be gettin' home to get supper."

  "Go--" said the neighbor.

  "No, I won't till I've done. The next one is this one an' it says, 'Howlong ought any one to wait to get married? I have waited several yearsan' there is nothin' against the man except he's eighty-two an'paralyzed. I am seventy-nine. Pa an' Ma oppose the match an' are theoldest couple in the country,' an' Elijah has signed it 'Lovin'ly,Rosy'--of all the silly things!"

  "He must be--" cried Mrs. Lathrop.

  "I should think so," said Susan; "why, he was rollin' all over the sofalaughin' over that. The answer is, 'I would wait a little longer--youcan lose nothin' by patience.' I call that pretty silly, too."

  "I--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Yes, indeed," said Susan, folding up the paper, "I felt it an' I saidit, an' I knew you'd feel to agree. I like Elijah, but I must say as Idon't like his Advice Column, an' I'd never be one to advise no one towrite to it for advice. His answers don't seem to tell you nothin', tomy order of thinkin', an' that one about the pickles struck me just likea slap in my face."

  "I'd never--" said Mrs. Lathrop.

  "Nor me neither. If I want to know I come to you."

  "And I--" said Mrs. Lathrop warmly.

  "I know you would," said her friend, "whatever faults you've got, Mrs.Lathrop, I'd always feel that about you."